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My husband and I dont agree on the punishment for our 12 y/o son. ?

My husband and I are having a difficult time deciding what would be best for our 12 y/o son. Last year was the transition to middle school and we had more than our fair share of calls from the principle. He is a straight A student and grades are not an issue. We had 1st time issues with cell phone use, inappropriate language, disrespect towards us, lieing, arguing with other boys via text about girls, girls, girls, and more girls calling our house and hanging up in all hours of the night. So we took it all in stride and dealt with each issue as it came. We kept in mind that this was a difficult year. New school, new students, new teachers. He had a huge growth spurt and shot up 5 inches over the summer prior to starting 6th grade and his voice had lost its squeakiness. He is very handsome, athletic young man. I know I might be a little bias but oh well. We tried different punishments. We had him apologize to other students when he was inappropriate with them. We met with other parents and their kids to try to work out issues that needed a more one on one approach. We took T.V., video games, phone, computer, ipod, basically everything that was not necessary at one time or the other. We increased his chores around the house as punishments. We had a family meeting with our priest. He missed out on some school reward trips because he threw a fit when he found out that we were going to chaperone. He said he'd rather not go if we were going. So we were very hopeful that this year going in to the 7th grade he would start off on a better foot. We had seen a significant improvement this summer of his overall attitude and outlook. He was very open and communicative with us and his little sister and little brother. He became more active in church, even going to our yearly youth camp for 1 wk with some of his friends. So now that you have some of the background for this question/problem I'm about to present, here goes. Before school started we sat down with him and talked about a few of the lingering issues. My husband and I talked about the consequences if he made specific mistakes. The biggest was lieing. We talked with him about how honesty was basically the foundation for a good relationship and we wanted to trust him. We were still having some problems with a girl that he had become basically infactuated with. He thought nothing but of her. Which really surprises me because he didnt SEE her all summer and only talked to her on weekends. They were boyfriend/girlfriend last year at school and she was well.....like the girls on the teen movie "mean girls". We hoped it was just a phase. After all they never saw each other except at school. I know that 12 year olds are drinking, having sex, getting pregnant, drugs, watching porn etc, etc, etc. but we dont leave our son unattended EVER. We are not the type that drops him off at the local soccer, basketball, football game and give him a $20 and tell him we will pick him up later. We dont just drop him off at the mall or movies. We only let him have sleep overs with families that we know. With all of the 6th grade issues believe me we considered drugs and actually had him tested. He is completely unaware of this because we did it with a hair sample. Wrong as it may have been we didnt know what else to do. Everything was negative and we felt very guilty for having lost so much faith in him. Thats when we tried the sitting down every night and talking during the summer. I dont mean koom-by-ya stuff but just renting a movie and watching it together and talking. I was surprised how much he talked to us as long as we acted like we were watching the movie and not glaring at him. Anyway, we told him that if there were issue re: this girl that we would really hit him where it hurt the most. He is a wrestler. That is his passion. He has won so many awards and really enjoys this sport the most. He play baseball and football too but wrestling is his favorite. So, we told him that if we had issues with her again that wrestling is gone. We talked about it and he agreed to the suggestion. He understood what we were asking of him and what would happen if this became a problem. So we are now in our 3 month of school and we thought that things had gotten so much better only to finally find out that he has been having issues with this girl again. Constant problems at school that for whatever reason had not made it back to us yet. The only way we found out is picking up his cell phone on day to organize some clutter laying on the counter and noticing that he had 10 new text messages. So I looked. Wished I hadn't. So we confronted him and he was quite and withdrawn. We were so hurt that he had been lieing to us all school year about this. We have made him sit out 2 wrestling matches and I thought that he would be sitting out the rest of the season because that was the punishment we issued even before school started if this happene
A couple of you asked why we didn't like this girl. She sent him some inappropriate photos of herself to him. She called and left very vulgar messages on our home answering machine. She told her friends and family that we were harrassing her and threatening her on her cell phone. Thank goodness with detailed phone billing of her phone we were able to prove to her parents that we had never called her cell phone. She was took to the principles office last year for grabbing his "package" in the hall and a teacher saw it. She threatened some girls that she wished they would F///ing die if she caught them talking to my son. She just seems to crazy.

Public Comments

1. Holy run-on sentence, Batman!

I can't read all that, but I can generally aswer your direct question.

You two need to sit down and discuss this indepth. Do some research on what psychiatrists say about punishment and research results.

Moderation and balance are key. You don't want to whip your child with a belt, but you don't want to stand there and let them get away with everything.

These are things you need to talk openly and honestly. Listen to each other. Understand points of views.

2. Maybe you can talk to his wrestling coach about his behavioral problems. If it's a sport through the school, the kids have rules they have to go by.Maybe even let him volunteer at some places. I wouldn't let mine go without me, but maybe even some volunteer work at a homeless shelter would do some good.( Really gets the mind to thinking.)If you are able to just keep him busy, he might be too worn out to misbehave.

3. Your son is going through life. Girls and girlfriends are going to change and there will always be one or two you dont like. Take away his cell phone if you dont want him getting in trouble with it at school. I didnt have a cell phone a that age and he'll be just fine without it for a little while. It is hard for a boy that age to open up to his parents about girlfriends ect. If he is doing well in school and his grades are fine leave him alone. Make sure you are watching over him though to make sure hes not really making any "big" mistakes and he'll turn out fine. You sound like you are being a little too overprotective. Give him a little space. The more you are on his butt the more he is going to want to rebel. Make sure he is involved with sports, and positive things so that he is not getting in trouble and he will turn out fine. You cant live his life for him so he is going to need to learn from his own mistakes to grow. Just tell him to make his choices wisely and if he really gets in trouble at school there will be consequences. Stick to whatever they are though. Dont take something away then give in and give it back to him. but again, give him a little space to make his own decisions and let him know you are doing this. Tell him if he takes advantage of it though then you will go right back to the way it is now. Good Luck

4. That's a hard one. Because it sounds like your son needs something that means something to him. And that appears to be wrestling. It's very important for kids this age to keep busy in healthy activities. What exactly is the problem with this girl? Is it just because you don't like her and and she's texting him? And that he likes her and maybe the occupies too much of his time? I really think that is normal for this age. If his grades are okay and everything else is fine, is it really that bad if he talks to her? I know you talked to him- but did you say specifically that he can't talk to her? That's a little unrealistic. If she sold him drugs or got him to do bad stuff, I guess I could see it. This is an age where kids get a little infatuated with the opposite sex too. It's perfectly normal. You say that you know 12 yr. olds are drinking, having sex, watching porn, etc. But, really you know that's not the majority, right? I have a 14 yr. old whom I know for a fact does not do that stuff and none of her friends do either. It's easy to let fear get the best of you, but it does sound like you can start trusting your son better. If you never let him do things on his own, he will never learn how to handle things on his own. Slowly tighten that rope you have around him while teaching him how to act and handle the tough stuff that comes his way. There will come a day where you cannot be around him 100% of the time. If you don't prepare him, he and you will fail.

5. wat school castillero ?

6. Well, it was long but I read it all. I am totally in the same situation, but with my daughter. She is extremely disrespectful and rude to her siblings, we are having issues with her paying attention in class and turning her work in. She never had this problem in the past, but for some reason this year (7th grade, also 12) she has decided it was better to be "pretty and cute" in class than smart. sigh. I don't work right now, and we do not leave her unattended, she also has a cell, and she is very involved in gymnastics. So, similar as it can be.
Anyway, what I did about this (punk) boy: I called his parents. She hates me for it, but I have to be cautious. His parents were CLUELESS. Had no idea he was calling her, texting her, even who she was. That was absolutely an indicator to me that I did NOT want her associating with him, I mean if the parents were that lost and didn't know what their kid was doing, what else was there they didn't know???
So, now I take her phone when she gets in the car and she doesn't get it back until she goes to school the next morning. I keep her as busy as possible after school so she doesn't have time to even think about this boy or socialization's. :) I don't cut her off, she just is extra monitored right now. I even talked to her teachers, counselor, and VP at school and explained my concerns and situations to them in detail. They were glad I did and all said that they would do everything to derail the "relationship" and deter any daily involved with them. She doesn't know I went to the school and did that. I thought it was best she didn't know every detail.
So, 2 weeks later things are going better so far.....we're still having the smart mouth and rudeness, but we're working on that. And hopefully she will forget this boy or he will find another girl that is a little more obtainable in his reach. Over my dead body will he obtain her!
So, hopefully this all gave you some ideas and thoughts. Boys are different, I know. But if you work and can't be there to supervise him after school, I would suggest finding someone, or some activity to keep him occupied. The more responsibility he has as home and etc. the better. Since he likes sports, find something he can everyday or almost everyday to keep him occupied. Ask members of your church and friends if they can help find ways?

This is probably going to be an on-going issue....definitely not an easy over night fix.
Keep praying and working with him, and do not give up!!

Good luck....I'll pray for us both! :D

7. Sounds to me like you have serious trust issues. You need to learn how to let go. He's acting like a normal 12 year old boy. Plus, taking away wrestling is extreme. So what if you don't like this girl? Yeah, you are his parents but in the end it's his choice. Don't you know that the less a parent wants a child to do something the more he is going to want to do it? If you let him talk to the girl he's going to realize on his own that she isn't all that great. You are way too overprotective and seeing how you guys act and the fact you don't drop him off anywhere and let him go anywhere alone I don't blame him for not wanting to go to a class trip just because you are.

8. Ok the most important thing I guess as parents we must do is let go evenually and let our children make their own mistakes. They will make them some worse then others but one thing about mistakes... You learn from them. Your son is 12 years old and while I wouldnt want him involved with this girl either the plain truth is there is nothing you can do if he wants to. He will see her in school and there is nothing you can do. By making such a big deal about her you are pushing him toward her. Remember when we were kids.... My mom would tell me I couldnt do something and it made me want it more. Do I think you should let them go to the movies and to each other houses no but I really think you need to down play it and you'll find he'll move on. Moms and dads want to protect our children, its a normal thing, but you cannot always be there. You have to trust in what you've taught your child and hope he makes the right choices. I think also part of the problem is you have too tight of a hold on your son. He is 12 years old. what is wrong with him going to a game with someone friends without mom or dad there? It is absoulutely normal at that age for them to be able to go places without mom around. You have to let go a little and give him some room otherwise it is going to create more problems. I know what I am talking about because until just recently I was exactly like you. I didnt give my son room to make his own choices and mistakes and it cost me. He started running away, rebelling and our relationship went downhill fast. We both started counseling and have learned alot. I have learned to let him go, let him makes his own choices (within reason) and make his own mistakes. You know what.... He has leveled off, hes not running away and our relationship is doing much better. I know as parents it is hard to let go but for the sake of your relationship with your son I hope you take what I say seriously. I have learned alot of hard lessons in the way I had raised my son and by sharing them I hope I can help others.

9. Simple, Military School!

10. I'm seventeen and at the age of 12 I too had my first boyfriend, who my parents considered to be a bad influence on me. I'll just explain how they delt with it. Well I never saw the boy a lot, maybe once a month, and we talked on the phone approximately once a week. My parents weren't happy that I was "dating" him because they had gotten in a fight with his family when I was only a baby.

Well one night they picked up the phone and heard my boyfriend talking about drinking, not partying or anything....just different alcoholic drinks he had tried when his dad was around. My parents went y since I was so young. However, they never took me out of anything. They changed all my classes so that I wouldn't be near this boy, and I wasn't allowed to talk to him. They didn't ground me from anything else though..

Did I learn anything from them taking away my boyfriend at that age? No, i didn't. I still don't drink/do drugs/ or anything illegal. The boy actually grew up and is entering the priest hood. Kids that age aren't always what they seem to be....... give it a breather. Girls just don't send naked pictures of themselves to boys....they're usually asked...Check out your son first. And it's true....the tighter the leash you keep on him, the more he'll lash out and do the stupidest stuff just to prove to you that he's "adult".